Love

Finally, I've summoned enough courage to write about what is perhaps the most important -- yet also the most difficult -- topic that anyone can write about: Love.

You may wonder what love has to do with success. Or in the famous words sung by Tina Turner: "What's love got to do with it?"

A great deal, as I'll explain later on.

For now, let me submit an idea for your consideration: There is an intimate yet intricate relationship between true love and true self.

"True self" is when a person has become one with his or her own nature. A saint is a good example. There are also great artists and scientists and writers who have become one with their true nature or their ideal self.

"True love," in this discussion, refers to the true romantic love between a man and a woman. I would even say that it is a man merging with a woman at three levels: physical, emotional and spiritual.

The relationship between true love and true self can be bluntly expressed in these terms:

1. Finding your true self will help you find true love
2. True love (from another person who has become his/her true self) will help you find your true self

Here's an analogy to help you to see how it works. Imagine that a man and a woman are the two pillars supporting a temple. In case #1, a person has found his true self and therefore has become a solid pillar. If he enters into a relationship, he is more likely to be a "teacher" of love than the woman, who may be struggling to find herself. Of course, it's equally possible that the woman is the one who is more solid, as a pillar, than the man, in which case she is the "teacher" of love.

In case #2, an unstable or confused person may stumble upon a relationship in which the other person, by virtue of having found her true self, acts as a "teacher" of love.

Note: by "teacher," I don't mean someone who lectures or teaches lessons. I mean someone who shines through personal example. A phrase in the Bible captures that idea: "I have not come to teach you, but to love you. Love itself will teach you."

Of course, the two cases above are rather extreme. There will be a wide range of situations. However, in all relationships, one person will likely be the teacher of love while the other is a student. The roles might be reversed as time goes by.

What's important is to discern the impact that a relationship has on one's self-esteem or self-concept. For instance, if a man doesn't treat a woman right, and she doesn't feel respect from him, that cannot be a good relationship.

Such a relationship will eventually lead her very far from her true self. And anything we do in life that is not firmly grounded in who we truly are, is bound to fail.

The German poet Rainer Maria Rilke wrote that young people often make the mistake of expecting too much from love. So when things don't turn out as they wish, they are tragically crushed by the sad ending of their romance. Rilke concluded that love is like a masterpiece that takes a lifetime to create.

I would add that love of self is much more important than romantic love. In fact, as you know already, if a person is incapable of loving herself, she cannot possibly love another person.

That's because loving essentially means giving yourself to the other person. But if you are not in possession of yourself, then you have nothing to give.

The next question is, "Is it necessary to find one's true self before one can find true love?"

My theory is that in every human being, from age 18 to age 70 or beyond, there is a spark of truth. If the person focuses on this spark of truth or this seed of selfhood, she will be on the right path. Being on the right path means she is growing to become her authentic self.

On such a path, it is far more likely that she will find and experience true love in a relationship with a man. Similarly, a man who's on the path to becoming his true self, will find it easier to find his true love. There won't be any unnecessary drama or tragedy attached to such a truthful pursuit of love.

Let's now answer the question, "What's love got to do with success?"

As I tried to explain above, when a person finds her true self, she is, as it were, in possession of a great treasure. So it feels natural for her to give away her treasure to other people. She feels the natural urge to share her abundant love which comes forth from within.

On the other hand, a person who is not aligned with her true self, will feel deprived and thus will not feel inclined to give love or even friendship to other people. It's not that she's selfish or egotistical; she simply has nothing to give. This makes it very hard for her to succeed at work.

Since she doesn't give to others, she is unlikely to make many friends, and so she lives in a universe where affection is denied to her. She is trapped in a vicious cycle where emotional energy is drained from her. Of course, all is not lost. It will get to a point where it becomes so obvious that she is in deep trouble that someone -- usually a person who has a lot of love to give -- will generously offer to help.

My point is that success in life, in one's career, in business, etc. seems to require two things:

1. Find your true self (or at least, the spark of truth within you, and cultivate it; for example, my spark of truth comes from contemplative practice or meditation or reading books. I don't often watch TV or read newspapers because I don't think I will find any truth about myself in those mass media).

2. Surround yourself with people who will help you to feel better about yourself. On that note, I highly recommend Tom Rath's latest book, Vital Friends. He describes 8 types of "vital friends" who can really help you and support you as you engage on the path of personal and professional growth.